I have sat down so many times in the past 2 months since we put Sirius down to write this post, but I never end up publishing it. I don’t know why. I’ve wanted to post pictures of our year we spent with him, but I haven’t been able to go through them. I don’t know why this is so hard. We still have his stuff. I see it everyday and I don’t break down crying about it, but when I sit down to write about him and what happened, I break down. I just can’t not cry.
He was a special dog. He was perfect, in the beginning. He loved us, other people, he didn’t run away if he was off his leash. He wanted to stay with us. He loved us. He was a loyal dog. He loved to play and run and he was so happy. I don’t even remember when all that changed. In the fall I did start noticing he didn’t like when people came to the house. He would bark at them. People that he’d been ok with before, he just didn’t like them anymore. He loved kids when we first got him, but when the boys started school and tried having friends come over he started jumping at them and nipping. We had to keep him in his cage if anyone came over because we were afraid of him hurting them. We tried to work with him, but he just didn’t understand that they were ok. He was so blinded by fear or anxiety or whatever it was that he just didn’t like anyone but us.
I often blame myself because I was the one he was home with all the time. I didn’t spend enough time with him or I didn’t know how to train him right and I didn’t want to. I had so much more important things to do. I didn’t want to see how bad he had gotten. He was ok, he would grow out of it. He was so good to us, why didn’t he like other people? Why did we ruin him?!! I just don’t understand any of this. Why did this happen?
Heavenly Father warned me about this. At the time I ignored the feelings. We found Sirius on Craigslist and he was the perfect dog. We went to meet him and he liked us. He was a little scared when we went into his backyard to play with him, but we just chalked that up to it being a different situation. The old owners told us he had been a little afraid of strangers and there had been a couple incidents when he was a puppy, but they said he had grown out of the scared behavior.
We’re still so confused about what they did to Sirius, exactly. We know they isolated him and never took him for walks, the whole two years they had him. The wife and kids didn’t play with him and he spent most of his time down in the basement. He wasn’t allowed to go into their kitchen and ate his food in the cold dark basement as well as slept down there. We think that is what made everything so hard coming to live with us. We like our dogs to be a PART of our family. We don’t want to just lock them away. They’re supposed to be our companions. If they aren’t, what is the point in having a pet anyway?!! So, we think that over time, Sirius just got too stressed out. “His” room was in the living room, where all the action came in and out of the house. For an isolated dog, I’m sure that was hard. I just don’t understand why we had him from Feb-the end of the summer and it never really bothered him. I suppose we’ll never know.
I’m just so mad and sad and I really HATE what those people did to him. Whether they did it knowingly or not. They should’ve never owned a dog!! And then WE had to be the ones to fall in love with him and then kill him. We had to kill our perfect dog because he wasn’t perfect to anyone but us.
I said we still have his stuff. Mark says it’s because we’re lazy and just haven’t put it up on Craigslist yet. That’s not it, at least for me. I know that if we sell it, he’s really gone from our lives. I don’t want that to happen.
He was just a dog. Why is this so hard?! I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let him go. He was the first dog that I feel really loved me. Yes, Nemo was a good dog and loved us, but it wasn’t the same. I don’t know how to explain it.
I miss you boy! I miss cuddling with you on the couch at night after the kids went to bed. The last couple months I would let him sit on the couch with me. He knew he was only allowed it at night. It was such a comfort. Especially that last week. It was a horrible week and that last day was so HARD. I tried not to think about it. I spent tons of time with him that day, playing and loving on him and just enjoying him. I don’t ever want to do that again!!
After Mark and I got home from the vet that day Jonas came in the door from being at our neighbors house and said, “Don’t you know, he’ll always be in our hearts.” and I just broke down crying. Jonas cried at dinner that night. He’s never been too fond of animals. I don’t know why, but this was hard for him. Brynnan, on the other hand, who loved Sirius so much didn’t cry. I really didn’t expect that. I thought for sure he would bawl his eyes out and want me to hold him, but he didn’t. And Tinian, he was happy to see Sirius go. Well, ok, not happy, but it didn’t really effect him at all. I still don’t really understand that.
The other night I was rocking with Tini in the chair, as is our nightly ritual, and I asked him if he missed Sirius, even a little. He has always said “No.” and said it again that night. I asked him why and he said that he was scared Sirius was going to bite him. That makes sense because of everything that happened with Brynnan we told Tinian not to go around Sirius because he was always bothering him. If anyone deserved to be bitten it was Tinian. So, we constantly had to remind Tinian not to go by Sirius because we didn’t want him to get bitten.
Anyway, I’m just kind of rambling now and it’s late so I need to go to bed. I just needed to get this off of my chest finally! I can’t believe it’s been 2 months already. I’ll try to post some pictures someday. I know I’ve been bad about keeping up my blog. I’ll try to be better!